Dark Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies at Wholefoods

I came across a transparent box of cookies at the bakery section of Wholefoods. The chocolate chip cookies were called “Dark Butter.”

When I asked the lady behind the counter what dark butter was, she said something about the chocolate chips being hard on the outside and soft on the inside. This told me nothing about dark butter. Is the butter in the batter dark for some reason? What would make butter dark?

Rather than ask the lady for a better explanation, I asked if the cookies were goo-ey. She answered yes, and that they were a top seller. How does the sales record of a cookie have anything to do with the simple question I asked? Indeed, I was wise for not having asked for a definition of dark butter again.

I bought the overpriced cookies, curious about dark butter but fully focused on enjoying chewy cookies with milk upon return to my home.

The cookies were so hard that I could have built a wall with them instead of bricks. I don’t think that I would eat them even after surviving a nuclear bomb and discovering them a month after eating nothing but cockroaches. I tested the other cookies and they were just as hard. The expiration date was not yet reached. Were these cookies made in China and then shipped by sailboat?

Coincidentally, I had to visit a store in the same shopping area, and I found the liar in the bakery section. While maintaining a cordial tone, I told the woman that I had asked if the dark butter cookies were goo-ey, and she said yes, but when I bit into one I almost broke a tooth. Her confused look made me explain that the cookie was hard as a rock. I told her that I trusted her when she assured me that the cookies were goo-ey. She said that the chips are goo-ey. First of all, no. They are not.

Feeling the anger rise in me, and knowing that the woman was an imbecile, I refrained from any further communication, and I left the store vowing to never buy baked goods from Wholefoods again. I don’t care if they cookies cure cancer. I would much rather have the Nestle Tollhouse cookies that are sold in Target. They are moist and flavorful. I don’t know if they contain any of the no-no ingredients, like high fructose corn syrup, but if they do, the cookies are so delicious that it’s worth the health detriment.

As a last word, the dark butter cookies were rock-hard even after being dipped in milk.